Is it me?

I find myself wondering a lot lately is it me? Have I changed that much. Why is it that I have amazing, wonderful, fantastic friends that I'd do anything for EVERYWHERE but here? I wonder if it's circumstance, or living off base, or truly if it's just me.

The last few years for me to put it mildly have been difficult. We moved from Alaska to New Mexico. I had amazing friends in Alaska. Life long, forever type friends. I know I have trust issue. So cultivating friendships can be difficult because I'm very slow to trust, but this is nothing new. As a mother I think this may be exacerbated a bit, because not only do you have to trust people for yourself, but also with your most precious thing, your children, or in my case monkeys. Yet even with all these factors I still managed amazing friends in both Alaska and Idaho.

Maybe it's time that is the problem. With Matt being gone 15 of the 24 months we've been here, I just don't have time, or make time for "girls" nights. When Matt is here there is NO ONE, I'd rather spend my evenings with. During the day while he's at work, sure, but evenings nope. But when you've been an Air Force wife for 9 years and have been through 4.5 deployments if your #1 priority isn't family, it may be time to examine your relationship. Every moment I spend without my husband when I could be with him feels like a moment wasted. Maybe this perspective is new or just stronger. I don' t know.

Have I just not met the right people? I mean I have made friends here don't get me wrong. But I haven't really met anyone with the same priorities really. Most of my friends here either work full time, or go to school full time, or already have a good friendship base and don't really need to cultivate new relationships. So what I seem to be here is a reliable person for people to call upon when they need help. If you need a sitter, either pet or child, or are in a lurch, call Heather. She's always home, and always willing to help. Now don't take that as complaining because I generally don't mind helping friends out. But when the only time you EVER call me is when you need something it hurts my feelings. It would be one thing if I were getting paid, then as my employer you can do as you please. If I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart because we are friends I guess I expect better. I mean really how hard would it be to take 5 minutes out of your day once every few weeks to pretend you care. "Hey Heather, how you doing with Matt being gone?" I won't know the difference if you are doing homework, washing dishes or facebooking while we chat, I swear.

Then again it really could be just me. I may be so heartbroken, turned off by current friendships, or just that annoying that I'm impossible. Lord only knows. What I do know is I have never felt more alone than I do here. I do pretty well on my own. But sometimes "We all need somebody to lean on" and I'd really like to be the lean-er just sometimes.