here we go again.

Every have a wonderful dream, the kind that seems so real? I feel like I just woke up from a great dream, only to get tossed back into a crappy reality. It sucks. It hardly seems real that Matt was home. Yet here I go again.

I felt like I barely survived the last deployment. Like Matt got here in the nick of time to save my sanity. I love my children, don't get me wrong, but for some reason the last deployment was hard. They are at tough ages. Seems to just get harder the older they get. Hence making today terrible. We took Matt to the airport and we all went in, he checked in, we all did the potty thing, got a snack, and then Matt walked us back to the car to say goodbye. I think I was in a fog the whole time. It just seemed so surreal. All the kids got their hugs, kisses, goodbyes and hopped back in the car. I took a little longer, and held back tears as Matt told me "I know you think you can't, but you can do this." One last hug and he was gone.

What I didn't expect was what I found when I got back in the car. My kids are tough, strong military kids. They were a mess. They just didn't understand how it could be "daddy's turn" again. He just got home. There were tears and heartache. How was I suppose to explain why he is gone again, when I don't quite get it myself. Heck I felt like having a tantrum myself. I can't say what I'd do if I ran into the guy who is suppose to be gone instead of Matt. I can promise it wouldn't be pretty and would probably end up with me causing a scene.

I wish I felt that I can do this again, but I just don't. Which isn't me. I'm normally tough and can handle everything. Starting a deployment feeling so defeated can't be good. Hopefully it won't take as long for me to get into the swing of this single parent thing, and I can pick myself up and get on with what I have to do. Even if I think I can't do it, I need to pull it together and try, for my kids, for Matt and for me.