Many people use writing as therapy. Here's hoping getting it all out will work for me. I am angry, livid, furious, and flat out plan old pissed off. I'm mad at the world. Mad at everyone, but mostly mad at myself for not being able to just "stiff upper lip" it and move on like I always do. Now you are probably wondering what could have someone this angry. Especially since I'm almost always sunshine and roses? The military, the good ole USAF. The "family friendly" branch.

Almost 4 months ago, my husband safely returned from 6 months in Afghanistan. Having him home was like being able to breathe again. Like the weight of the world(or having 5 kids solely) was lifted off my shoulders. It was so nice having someone else I could count on again. It's hard being responsible for pets, kids, a house and myself. But I didn't complain because we chose this. We chose to own a home, have 5 kids and we chose to be an Air Force family. Heck we even chose for Matt to re-enlist for another 6 years.

What I didn't or couldn't have for seen was him getting orders again after being home for less than 4 months. Not future orders but basically immediate "You are leaving now" orders. Almost 6 months of training, followed by and immediate 9 month trip to Afghanistan. 15 months, 15 straight months of just me. No R&R, no quick trip home before heading out, 15 straight months. I just don't understand it. I can't come to terms with it and I'm angry. I'm angry at the commander who thinks this is ok. I'm angry at the guy who originally got the orders and got out of them. I'm angry at the Air Force for allowing people who can't deploy to stay active duty. I'm angry that Matt's career field is "over manned" so that just about every other Tech Sergeant that was eligible for this deployment is no longer a mechanic. I'm angry at Matt because he should say something, DO something, tell someone this is bull, even if it doesn't do a darn bit of good. I'm angry at the President, and the media, who have everyone thinking us military folk have it easier now and that we are "pulling out." I'm angry at my military friends who tell me what a blessing the military is, but it's easy for it to be a blessing when YOUR husband has deployed once, while mine is on his 5th tour in 7 years. I'm angry at myself, for not finishing my degree so we have no other options. I'm angry at myself for buying a house and not living on base, creating yet more responsibility. I'm mad at myself for raising my 5 kids as military "brats".

I guess you get it. I'm angry, which is hard for me. I'm normally able to deal with the decisions the put us on this path. But I just can't right now. All I can do is be angry and I hate it. I don't feel like it's our turn to be dealing with this right now. So if you come across me, and I'm not my normally, happy, peppy, super military mom, you know why. To use an old cliche' "It's not you, it's me." Hopefully I can get past this anger and move on to what I know I need to do. But I just can't seem to do it.