So today I woke up and almost felt like me. I just knew today I would be ok. Not that life is any easier here. My back is killing me, people who told me to count on them are already letting me down, and well Matt is gone. Yet I changed. I was upset, but I could laugh about it. I was able to say to me "Me you KNOW this, you know you only every really have you when Matt is gone. You know that people always say the right things, but when it comes right down to the nitty gritty, it's all you."

Yesterday I probably would have burst into tears at that thought. It would have overwhelmed me to the point of wanting to curl into a ball and hide. Today I thought I can do this. It sucks, really sucks, I'm in pain, I'm bumming and yes even with 5 kids I'm lonely as hell. But I CAN do this. I will rock this deployment. I will be there for Matt. I will stop making him feel like crap, worry like crazy, and I WILL do this. Now here's hoping this Heather will be here still tomorrow. I like her a hell of a lot better.